I woke up from a dream I couldn't remember. I would guess that it was not a pleasant one because I felt emotional and I had been gritting my teeth. Slow to rise, I had to talk myself into getting up and out. Not like myself...
I pepped up as soon as I hit the fresh air. As I walked I was flooded with memories.
The small moments from our life have become what I have to hold onto.
Treasure your moments with your loved ones, they are too precious to waste. As I walked today, they flowed to me. It was as if I could see and feel Phil in all the places we had shared so much love.
The beauty of that love will carry me through the rest of my life.
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Image taking didn't come easy today. The walk was fabulous but after yesterdays impressive sunrise, it felt like I had a lot to live up to.
The sun was coming up and the moon was going down in a wispy sky.
My block wasn't because nature wasn't glorious. The sound of the song sparrows was music to my ears.
Maybe it was because yesterday, I received a letter from hospice It was a letter about it being the 6 month anniversary of Phil's death. Questions to see how I was handling my grief. I pondered the 4 tasks that were included in the letter as I walked today. The letter indicated that many people reach out for help at this point in their grief. These are the tasks that they say are necessary to progress - Task 1: Accepting the reality of the loss. Task 2; Working through pain and grief. Task 3:Adjusting to the new environment. and Task 4: Finding a connection with the deceased while moving forward in life.
I think that I'm working through the grief to the best of my ability. Somedays are good, some days are horrible and not a minute goes by that I don't miss him. The cruelty of the way he had to go, stays with me, the sadness of a wonderful life cut short, cuts me to the quick. I will never get over missing his hugs. But I am accepting, I'm allowing my grief to take its course and I understand I will always miss him. I'm lucky to have friends and family who allow me my grief and are understanding with me. I don't want to be here, but it is here that I am.
As Phil told me as he learned he had cancer,
It is what it is and now we have to make the best of it.
I'm doing the best I can to muddle through the fog of grief.
I walked my ass off! I think I was walking the letter off.
The angst
the loss
the feeling of being out of control.
Up one hill, then another......
I tried to stay present but it was hard not to get lost in my head. I'm guessing that the physical exertion is just what a counselor would recommend for me.
All of the dogs that I encountered today, came up and gave me an its going to be okay sniff. Every single dog seemed to know I was out of sorts and came to give me encouragement. I know they know....
. Surfing the waves of life, one day at a time.
Just like that, one month has passed. I have finished my first month in my self challenge.
Just 11 more months of images. When I set a challenge, I go for it. Ha!
It is helping, I need the purpose and a way to memorialize Philly.
This is my therapy, this is my way to help myself get through one minute at a time.
I'll be damn if it isn't working.
For Phil
I miss you!
I'm still catching the craters on the moon for you.
