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This morning when I get up I feel off, I can't put my finger on what it is I feel, but I know I just don't feel myself. I'm slow, I feel sad and I have to talk to myself to get dressed and I run later than usual for my morning walk. When I get outside, the wind is blowing, it is cold and the sea is turbulent. I'm not one that enjoys the wind. It made it difficult to take photos because the wind was strong enough to blow my arm so that it is hard to focus. I start off thinking I will just get a quick walk and take some photographs of the waves. As I walk, I ponder my life, where I'm going and there continues to be a heaviness that sits in my chest.
It seems that every so often the grief creeps in. I cry as I walk, I can't tell the difference between my tears and the sea spray that is so thick that it is running off my glasses. Weird as it may sound the water flying over the breakwater makes me think of Phil. We loved to come and watch the water breech the breakwater, in fact when the waves were big, we were hurrying to see if it was happening.
I can't help but think of all the changes that continue to surround me, it feels like my word has been flipped upside down. I try to allow myself to feel it and find my way around the sadness. It seems that I have to feel the grief, accept it and then I can move from it. As I walk I feel a little better, I start to focus on trying to get an image in adverse conditions.
I arrived as the sun was just peaking over the hill, the sky was orange.
I spend more time cleaning my glasses and lens on my camera thank taking pictures, because the sea spray keeps them wet and is impairing my vision. The photo below is what I'm seeing before i have to stop to clean again.
The waves were huge and I keep going. I chase the waves, trying to catch an image that I feel I want to share. I tell Phil I miss him and that I'm doing okay. That somehow makes me feel lighter. There is a part of me that is pure survivor, I try to tap into that. I know that each day that, although the grief doesn't go away, I seem to get stronger. I am finding the place that I can be happy, I do look forward to things and I have a drive to continue learning. Change is frightening, exhilarating and necessary to my survival.
I spot an otter bouncing in the waves. Her nose is very red because during mating, the male Sea Otter often bites the females nose. She is eating a crab and bobs in the waves.
A cormorant taking off from a rock.
I come to realize that I am feeling better, I actually get some images of the waves and just that feeling of satisfaction, keeps me moving.
The waves show me a heart. I believe it is a message of love from Phil, that reassures me and keeps me the push I need to continue through the day.
I finally conceded to the sea spray that plagued me and decide to head home. It always surprises me how far I walk while I'm taking pictures. The exercise really comes in when I decide to walk back toward home. This challenge is good for me and I can tell even after 10 days that I have made a good decision in taking it on. 365 days of images here I come, I'm going to give it my best try.
I turn around and take a final picture of a Cedar tree
As I started to pull the images together and date my blog, it is then I realize it has been 6 months since Phil passed away .....it makes sense how I was feeling.
I will always miss and love him
The waves of change surround me, but some things never change.
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