365 days of images - - Day 11- Jan. 10, 2021 - Linda's Intuitive Images LMH -- Flashbacks

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Since Phil passed away, I have occasionally suffered from flashbacks, images in my mind of the last few days of his life.  What Phil went through was difficult and watching him suffer was a life altering experience.  The flashbacks have happened less and less as time has gone by.  But the last couple of days I have been experiencing them again.  I see and feel the moments like I have gone back in time, as they happened then.  When the flashbacks come, I  suffer from panic attacks.  I have learned to breath and ground myself when this happens.  Phil and I would try to notice five items around us when we both would be stressed out, it would distract us and calm us back down.  I've been trying to apply that technique when my mind goes there.  On the days that they happen, there is an agitation, heart palpitations and a feeling to flee that surrounds me.  If I realize what is going on I can use my grounding technique and get a hold of it.  I realize I'm having a fear response and I continue to try to be gentle on myself.

Grief has been with me since the diagnosis of brain cancer, I have gone through different stages as the disease progressed and watching what Phil had to endure.  Even though I knew that Phil would die and I had read the literature on what to expect, talked to doctors and therapists as we went through the journey with cancer.  The grief that hit me when he died, was like being hit by a truck.  Brain cancer not only took my husband, it left everyone who loved him injured too.  I continue to work through the grief moment to moment.  I know I'm healing, I believe sharing my journey, writing it down helps me release some of the pain.

The walks help, my camera is a godsend and gratitude. love, family and friends have helped me get through.  I hate feeling all of this, I want to wake up from this nightmare and yet I know this is what I have to work through to get to the other side.  With that being said, I know I'm healing.

This morning started off with what felt like a slap.  I ran down a staircase that I often take photos from.  I knew the tide was high, I only went half way down the stairs, lifted my camera and took an image.

Skadoosh!

I was alert the rest of the morning.  The sunrise was pastels, the waves were big and the tide was high.

I remember after Phil left the fire department, he would suffer from flashbacks of the things he had seen.  He would cry and say he didn't want to talk about it, now when I look back, I'm pretty certain that was when the cancer had started to grow.  I noticed changes in him but we attributed it to stress and being overworked.  To the firefighters and family who are reading this, please check yourself out if you are having symptoms that seem odd.  Make sure to take all your safety precautions.  The whole time Phil was a firefighter, I feared him becoming injured, only to get surprised by something that couldn't even be seen.  The doctors were not surprised by Phil having cancer when they found out he had been a firefighter.  

I don't want the impression to be that I'm not finding joy in life.  I see the beauty, I can feel the love and gratitude fills me with hope.  I also know that I'm not alone.  There have been many people who have reached out to me that are going through similar experiences.  There is healing in hearing that I have helped someone by what I have expressed in the blog.

Waves were still big today, the air was warmer and as I walk, I always feel better.  The fresh air, the exercise and the beauty are the medicine.

My favorite encounter on my walk this day was one with a Blue Heron.  I love them and this one was cooperative, he just watched me as I took his picture.

Tomorrow my daughter Noelle and I are going to take the day and take a drive down the coast.  I'm hoping that a change of pace will change the attitude and add to the creativity.

Phil you remain in my heart