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My grief didn't start when Phil passed away, it started the minute that they told Phil he had brain cancer. From that moment the process of grief started for both of us. Now I'm left with the grief, and it makes me uncomfortable too. It makes me feel squirmy, it makes me feel like I wish it wasn't there, but most of all I miss my best friend, the love of my life. Special occasions make me sad, I miss sharing with him. My birthday coming without him, is making me sad and the waves of grief slip in without warning.
Phil and I watched people fumble with words, turn away hoping we wouldn't see them and cancel dates with us. We understood the discomfort because we were uncomfortable too. What I learned is that there are no words, the discomfort is just there and the only thing you can do is listen and be there.
We learned those lessons from the people who stood by us.
Immense gratitude for the family and friends who continue to stand by me and share my grief.
Now I'm learning to live with my grief - no not live with - embrace my grief. The reason the grieving is intense is because I lost so much. I will keep Phil alive with my memories, my voice and my love.
This process of 365 days of images is giving me that voice.
Phil didn't get to read my blog until a couple of years into his journey. He loved the blog because it gave us a voice to the pain that Phil was going through, shared our love and we always hoped it would help one person who was going through what we were. I know it made him feel like his memory would live on and it does that for me as well. I told him when I first started the blog, I dreamed of it having 100,000 views, he loved that idea. This week the blog hit 90,000, the goal is almost achieved.
I continue to do this for Phil.
I continue to love him as much as I always did.
I don't mean to make you or me uncomfortable.
I'm just trying to make it through.
One damn image at a time.
Today started pink at Asilomar Beach.
I'm always looking for something different as I walk through familiar territory.
I spotted vultures, I see them sometimes, but these were up close and personal. Seemed apropos for the feelings that have been surrounding me.
Then I spotted a banana slug. When I raised my head from taking the image there was a man passing me who told me not to get vaccinated because the government was putting chips into us. I wished him a good day and told him that I saw the world was amiss too.
A few more minutes with the waves please....
I then walked up into the neighborhood, through alleys and onto the Asilomar Conference Grounds. They housed some of the first people with Covid there. I can't wait for everything to open back up, although it was lovely having the property to myself.
Eucalyptus flowers!!!!
When I told Noelle I saw this sign and didn't see a mountain lion she retorted that I was the only cougar on the property. Ha, good to laugh.
I can't run from the emotions. I embrace, allow and live with them.
I have no choice.
Thank you for sharing my journey.
The 365 days of images is just what the doctor ordered.
For Phil:
I miss and love you.
You live through me.
"The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the endless skies, my love
To the dark and the endless skies
And the first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth move in my hand
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command, my love
That was there at my command, my love
And the first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
And I knew our joy would fill the earth
And last 'til the end of time my love
And it would last 'til the end of time
The first time ever I saw your face
Your face, your face, your face"
Roberta Flack
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