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Today marks 5 years since my life changed in a devastating moment. Phil had his first seizure that led to his diagnosis of astrocytoma brain cancer. I have written about that day in the blog, I will add a links at the bottom of this page. We were unable to have a memorial service for Phil because of the Corona Virus. Therefore I have been trying in my own way to memorialize and celebrate his life. What started that day was a journey of a roller coaster of emotions, horrible challenges and surprisingly love, beauty and hope. I was told before diagnosis when Phil was very ill that his life expectancy would be 5 years. He got very close, passing away 6 months ago. Today made me think of his journey and everything he had to go through.
He handled it all with love, courage and hope until his last days
This morning started with a heavy feeling. I moved slow, felt sad and was lost in my thoughts.
I sat and watched the sun come up, the antics of the seagulls and just tried to be present in the moment.
My mind went to where Phil had the seizure and I felt compelled to go to the Butterfly Sanctuary and walk the hotel property where he had it. I think I wanted to confront what was going on inside myself. Phil and I often walked there after his diagnosis. It is an area that we loved and we had decided not to let what happened there, interfere with our experience.
He loved the idea of flying to heaven on the wings of a butterfly. Phil had a dream early in his journey with cancer that he was at a ceremony that included butterflies. He said the there was many people standing around spinning what looked like a lotus flower. When they spun the flowers they ascended into the sky. As they spun, the flowers opened and butterflies flew out of the bottom of them, swirling about the flower. He said it reminded him of a lantern ceremony.
I found a peace and a beauty at the Sanctuary, but I didn't see any butterflies. The Monarch population is down in our area.
I headed out and enjoyed the beauty of the area, the neighborhood surrounding the sanctuary is equally as peaceful and cute.
Neighborhood libraries and cute mailboxes.
A doggy window so that the pup can watch people walking.
I took the image below the day before Phil had the seizure, it was on the door stoop as I walked out the door.
Dear Phil,
Not a moment goes by that I don't think of you. I know that you are with me, I can feel you in my heart. I hear your voice advising me what to do and I feel your support to move forward. I saw and experienced the bravery, courage and love that you showed when life got very rough. You are my hero and I'm trying to make you proud. I am grateful and appreciative for the love we shared, I know that what we had is the love of a lifetime. Thank you for all the beautiful memories, they all sit in my soul. I hope you and Judy are together and taking long walks by the ocean.
I love you.
Linda
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