Today was one of those raw, emotional days. I miss Phil. I used to nestle into his neck when I was feeling sad or just wanted comfort. I could imagine what he smelled like, what his skin felt like and found myself caught in a dark place. I couldn't wash the yearning for him away. I cried most of the day, which was cathartic, but I hate feeling this way. When I was looking at my images from this morning, I could see the pain in my pictures. I understand that my creativity is the healing process unfolding.....
Lately I have been flooded with the dark side of what Phil, Noelle and myself went through those last few months. I hear what the people in the hospitals are going through with Covid and I return to those last few weeks.
Brain cancer is insidious and relentless.
I flash to his words, his I love you's in a weak voice.
Which meant the world to me at the time and yet the memory takes my breath away to realize how sick he was.
He said to me, "I expected it from him but she broke my heart"
I have a hard time with forgiveness because of his pain.
Covid, social distancing and the state of our country brings sadness, confusion and intensifies the grief.
I'm angry that he didn't get to live out his dreams. I'm sad and am trying to find my own dreams.
I miss his smile, hugs and humor. Do you see the heart in the puddles above? I see hearts in my images all the time, I think of him everytime. Our apartment has photos of him everywhere, I'm afraid I will forget a nuance of his being.
I miss my best friend, the love of my life and my soul mate.
I have hope I will see and feel the light again tomorrow. It waves... I'm still walking and looking for the beauty, and reminding myself of what I have to be grateful for. Allowing myself to feel and heal.
I miss you Phil
I miss your beautiful soul, face and hugs.
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