365 days of images - - Day 53 - Feb 21, 2021 - Linda's Intuitive Images LMH -- It is what it is

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When Phil first found out that he had brain cancer, the first reaction was anger, then fear.  He had horrible bouts of fear and anxiety.  Brain injury causes a range of emotional issues, add steroids, chemo therapy, radiation and surgery on top of that and you have a mess.  An acceptance eventually came and he would look at me and tell me, "it is what it is".  There were huge fluxes of emotions during the 4 1/2 years of his journey with cancer, but he resolved to make the most of his time.  He was courageous, loving and didn't waste a moment.  

We found even more love than we already had, beauty when it seemed like there was none and  we found hope.  Courage and gratitude was the fuel to help us get by.

The grief since Phil's death has been a similar journey for me.  Anger, fear and an acceptance that it is what it is.  My emotions flux but I can feel that I'm learning to live my new chapter .  I know that Phil would want me to just keep trucking.....It is what it is.

I find peace in walking, finding beauty when sometimes I don't feel like it and remembering the sweetest of memories.  I don't want to forget.  I don't want to forget his touch, his smile and most of all his love.  

I started this morning in Carmel, I decided to window shop and walk around town first.  Sunday morning at 6:30, no one was around, I had the streets to myself.  Phil and I had many fun times in Carmel.  He carried my mannequin Alice all over town so I could take photos of her, we often had too much to drink when we partied there, and we walked the cobblestone streets, hand in hand.

I can't stay away from the lagoon where the Carmel River meets the ocean.  Bird songs are music for my soul.  As I'm meditating I realize I need to embrace the inner child, let her lead the way.  She knew magic, little Linda noticed everything, every insect, dew drop and let her imagination fly.  I have found myself just doing that.  Marveling at the world through my child eyes.  It is what it is, but there is beauty that surrounds me.  I am finding joy and peace looking at the world through those eyes.

I walked to Mission Ranch, one of our favorite places.  Phil was thrilled to sit across from Clint Eastwood a couple of times.  I love thinking of how excited he was and how much fun we had on those occasions.  Kurt Russell in front of the fire place, listening to jazz at the piano bar and a magical night listening to "Overtone".  Noelle and I celebrated our birthdays there each year, we still laugh at our adventures.  One of my favorite stories was as I was coming out of the bathroom, I spotted Kenny G walking into the bar in front of me.  Every single person that noticed him, said, "it is Kenny fucking G", Ha!  Same words all the way back into the place.  I belly laughed that night and obviously, I still think it is funny.

I head back through the neighborhoods and admire all the architecture, Carmel feels very much like a storybook. 

For Phil

I will never forget.

I love and miss you.