The weather and my soul are set in a gloom. There are moments that it feels like I'm drowning in a sea of grief. Both Phil and I were concerned about how I would handle life when he passed away. Even though I had been aware that it was coming, it was a blow to my system when he left. Grief comes when it wants to, I miss him desperately and find myself crying when I least expect it. At first I could barely move. Flash backs of what Phil had to go through with this illness have plagued both my daughter Noelle and myself in the past month. I can't thank Noelle enough for all the help she provided both Phil and I with as his disease progressed. She was more than helpful and she continues to help me move forward. Brain cancer proved to be brutal and there are moments of pain we wish we could forget. We both know that we did our best and I'm very happy I could be with him until the last moment. It is very difficult to get past some of the hard parts that we had to go through, but I know we will. When I started recording the journey that Phil and I were on, in my blog, I hoped that I might help someone who might be going through a similar circumstance. Phil was courageous, kind and brave as he left. I miss him. I promised both of us that I would be okay and I will. I'm just letting myself ride the grief and allowing myself to heal the best I can.
I ask for messages that he is around me and I know he is. I believe he is in a better place now and I'm comforted by the idea that he isn't in pain anymore and that he is with our little dog Judy. Spirituality fills me and I'm letting myself feel my way through this.
One day as Noelle and I took a drive, I spotted a purple car that I knew Phil would love and I told Noelle I was going back to take a photo. We went around a long block and the car was still there. When I got out to take the image, I noticed a message on the side of the car. That message on the car said it all. At this moment, I feel anger at the disease, it all seems so unfair and cruel.
Noelle and I had been very secluded taking care of Phil, staying at home, trying not to bring the Covid virus in, because Phil's immune system was compromised. It has been hard coming out of care giving and into the new "normal". Noelle and I continue to self distance and wear masks but we have ventured out more than we have in a few months. As I started getting back to my walks and trying my hand at photography, I noticed many things. There are many changes in the world now.....I'm trying to wrap my mind around that too!
I've been walking, doing some projects around the house, gardening and even attempted a crafting project. When I walk, I talk to Phil and tell him what I have been up to and that I miss him. Everything that I see reminds me of him....I'm trying to enjoy the beauty around me and enjoy minutes even though I feel my heart is breaking.
There were many cards and notes hanging around the apartment. Phil had been receiving love and I wish you could have seen his beautiful face as I read them to him. Noelle and I have been missing all the positive mail that had been pouring in for Phil. I decided as I took the cards down and read them all again. As I did I decided to decoupage some trays that I had in the house with the cards of love. Thank you to each person who took the time to send notes. At the end of Phil's life he sometimes didn't open his eyes or use his voice. He always managed to smile when I read him the cards......
I'm trying to heal....There are photos of Phil and our beautiful memories that I have put up around the apartment. I have also made a memorial alter. I miss his smile, I miss his hugs and I miss having my best friend to share my secrets with......
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