To Phil with love
I miss you desperately
There are not enough tears
I've been walking and while I walk, I talk to Phil. The first couple of days it was just me crying and telling him that I love him, miss him and I was so sorry that he had to go through what he did to get to the other side. Two weeks later, my heart still feels broken, I'm looking for inspiration and I continue to tell him that I love, miss him and I'm sorry that he had to go through that. I cry when I cook breakfast, because I miss him then, I cry when music reminds me of him and I cry again when I want to share something that happened. I'm a blubbering mess.
It has been a shock to come out of care giving full time and into our "new world" The Covid virus has changed the world, while we were busy caring for Phil. I don't think it is making it any easier for the healing. I'm trying to wrap my head around everything that is going on.
I take my camera each day and the creativity just hasn't been there. I can hear Phil urging me....I just feel broken and am letting myself find healing. In the last couple of days small pieces of creativity have popped out. I know his energy is with me, I can feel him, hear him but I miss touching him, hugging and kissing his handsome face. I know he is putting pieces of inspiration and creativity in front of me. Everything I see reminds me of him and I think I'm going to have to draw on that for my muse.
I'm going to continue to dedicate my photography to him. It was our long walks that kept both of us going. I'm going to continue and let it inspire me as I go forward. One moment at a time.
These images are what I have seen in the last couple of weeks:
It took me a few days before I would even take a photo.
I knew Phil would want me to try to move forward, he was worried I would have a hard time and I know he continues to help me.
The first couple of images I just deleted...
The days were foggy, my heart was sad and it showed in the images.
But then a couple of days ago I spotted these two! I knew Phil would enjoy these images. Raccoons having sex. are you kidding?, He would have loved it.
They made me smile!
Dog sitting brought me a couple of days of feeling needed and purpose. While I was there, I spotted this doe in the yard.
I'm out of practice but I could feel the love of making an image, especially of wildlife.
A bit of light on a gloomy morning, a fishing boat brought a glimmer.
and Phil would have loved me silently stalking an Egret. Phil would always spot birds for me to photograph. I have to believe he was there watching me.
Not great photos, but a start to healing. I need to get back out there. I'm sure I will miss Phil for the rest of my days....
I've made a small memorial to Phil in the apartment with a wonderful piece of art that his friend Vic made. I have been refining it and just looking at him brings my heart a little, a tiny bit of comfort. I've been adding some photographs of him around the apartment.
Many friends, family and loved ones have been making sure Noelle and I are okay. I have to say I'm missing hugs and physical contact. Some of our people are far away and the virus is holding up travel. We want to do a celebration of life for Phil but we are waiting until our family can join us. We have made a memorial online for him, let me know if you are interested in sharing on it.
While looking for paperwork, I got a surprise and found his medals and badges from firefighting and his Air National Guard days. I will make a special shadow box for these items. I cried a few tears over these. The doctors all told us that it is very probable that Phil's cancer was from his days fighting fires. I asked him if he regretting being a firefighter and he said he did not. His only regret was the cancer itself.
Noelle got me the most wonderful present of all.
She got a necklace that I have hung Phil's wedding band on and I'm wearing it around my neck. It sits near my heart and has been bringing me some peace. Thank you Noelle.
Thank you again for all the love. I still have all the cards hanging around the apartment. Seeing the love helps Noelle and myself, it sure helped Phil, as we got them. He smiled as I read them to him. Thank you.
Phil, I love you, miss you and and I'm moving forward in life as I promised you I would.
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