To Phil with Love - the last couple of weeks

Phil suffered some small seizures in the last couple of weeks and with each one was a diminished amount of strength.  His energy kept becoming weaker but his spirit remained hopeful and with a will to live. 

The day before Phil's birthday was joyful.  By the time of his birthday he had become quiet as it was hard for him to talk, and he seemed to be losing his vision. His appetite stayed in tact until the last few days, eating remained a joy for him.  In fact my sister had been sending a meal plan and he looked forward to that every day.   He seemed to be enjoying all the attention from his birthday, he smiled, he ate a Burrito and was very happy with his birthday cake.  We put up a banner and Noelle, myself and friends tried to do everything possible to make him happy.  He seemed to have a very good day.  Thank you to each of you that helped us celebrate his last birthday.

Phil listened to jazz almost all the time during the last two weeks, he also had a love of watching old Flintstones.  He had periods of feeling agitation, the music seemed to sooth him. 

The next day, the day of his actual birthday, there was a quiet decline.  He soon quit eating and I hate to say, he endured pain and death didn't come as peacefully as I would hope or imagine.  The last few days were difficult and yet with his very quiet voice he managed to tell us he loved us and thank you.  Whenever he said he was sorry, we reminded him how much we loved him and that we were happy to be there with him.  I'm grateful that I got to kiss and hug him as he left.  He had a will to live and his body didn't want to quit.  I stayed with him until his last breath and I hope that my presence gave him some peace.  Noelle and I tried to make him as comfortable as we could, hospice helping us all the way.   He navigated his journey with great courage and he is my hero.

Phil breathed his last breath on July, 09, 2020.  

After Phil passed away, a nurse came and cleaned him up.  We picked flowers from the garden and she placed them all around him.  The pink Hollyhock that I  had wanted him to see, was cut and put into his arms.  He was handsome as he departed and we took time with our good-byes.

Now I wrestle with the reality, the memories of the last hours that were such a struggle for him and missing him.  Phil was my best friend, love and soul mate.  I feel an emptiness and I'm trying to figure out my way forward.  I'm having focus problems and yet I needed to share the ending.

The ending to a most beautiful love story.  Most of all I know that I'm very blessed indeed to have such a love story.

Phil, I will love you until my last breath.  I will put that love and the angst of missing you into my creativity.  I know that you will always be with me.  I love you - Linda

Philip J Hellyer

June 28, 1975 - July 9, 2020

I know Judy was waiting for you.