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I'm struggling right now, there is no doubt about that. I was just looking at the blog and the date in the title has been June 3rd for three days, that says it all. I corrected it, but that has been the trend lately. I'm sure it has to do with me feeling all the emotions from a year ago. The worst days of my life. To watch Phil suffer was absolutely and completely the most painful thing I have ever been through. Phil, Noelle and I were wrapped up in some very difficult days. To Noelle, I say thank you for all you did. Without Noelle I would not have been able to have Phil at home. Covid caused problems with getting home care. Noelle was incredible and stepped right into caregiving. We had friends who helped us, help Phil. Thank you to each and every family member and friend who were there for us. We all did our best to help his transition be filled with love. I need to feel the emotions because I was in survival mode then. I'm now processing the emotions, I get it, but it is hard. I've learned it's best to let the feelings happen and it passes. My daughter Nicole gave me the best advice, be gentle on myself for the next couple of months.
I've been pushing myself lately, I want to heal, I want to get on with life. I know that I have to allow the healing take place. Instead of pushing myself today, I amused myself. I went to Carmel because I seem to find peace there, it is calming to me. Things flowed a little better. Oh I cried a couple of times, but it was short lived and filled with love. Phil surrounded me with love...... and I let that fill me.
I'm okay, healing and Carmel helped!
For Phil
I miss you.
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