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As I flow through my journey with grief, I'm realizing that grief is love. I still feel in love with Phil and I miss him. The grief is the leftover love. Phil was loving, watched out after me and told me he loved me everyday, several times a day. As he was going through treatments we told each other, I love you, constantly. I still feel all the love, but I feel like I don't have a place to put it. I have photos of him all over the house and I find myself telling them I love you. I still feel him and I know I will always love him. He left me feeling loved, appreciated and wanting more. I am sad because I lost so very much.
This morning started with rain, I hid underneath awnings, overhangs and trees, carrying my camera under my raincoat. I have been wearing Phil's raincoat, it makes me feel close to him. I also wear his fire dept sweat shirts and that makes me smile.
The image taking was challenging but I enjoyed my walk in the rain.
A couple of stops on Cannery Row because there was light in the windows on a very rainy morning.
Ducking under trees.....
Looking for color.....
Everything was wet.
I have fallen in love with this white goose.
This snowy egret went from a good feather day, to a mess and and back to good feathers again then was off into the gray.
Black oystercatchers have a distinctive call and are very shy. They were taking baths, eating mussels and it seemed they were enjoying each others company.
The day after Phil was released from the hospital after his first surgery he watched a documentary on Bob Marley. Phil adored Bob Marley music and I will always remember Phil weeping as he watched the documentary. The day after Phil passed away I was walking and I heard No Woman No Cry, which Phil always sang to me as he was on his journey. When I looked to where the music was coming from, it was a parked car with no occupant.
A funny story about Phil and Bob Marley took place at Walt Disney World. He and my son in law Darin had been drinking sake bombs and Phil got as inebriated as I had ever seen him. He was having so much fun, kissing the Blue Genie from Aladdin, shadow boxing while walking backwards and he wouldn't listen to us to slow down. We arrived at our destination, a piano bar and when they asked for requests, Phil requested Bob Marley. They asked Phil his name and he retorted in a drunk voice, Bob. of course we all laughed. I love remembering him having fun, he was more than fun, we had a great time, all of the time. In the meantime he was cut off of alcohol if he wanted to stay, a very good idea, if I do say so myself. When the song was about to be played the piano player said he was playing it for Bob and I believe Phil had the entire bar wrapped around his finger.
To Phil:
I love and miss you
Thank you Patti, the tshirts were more than a hit. They cheered him when things were hard.
The words below say it all. I love you Phil.
“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
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