To Phil with Love - Santa Barbara Dreaming

I am filled with gratitude for each adventure that Phil and I have shared.  The photo above was taken while camping at the Rincon by Santa Barbara, California.  It was before the diagnosis of brain cancer and a moment we will both treasure for a lifetime.  Phil is always happy with cooking over a campfire.

As we come close to Phil's birthday and I sit here watching him wade through the effects of Chemo on his body, it is hard to find the joy and the positive energy that we need to keep moving forward.

I know it is just a moment and this too shall pass, but at this moment in time I feel tired, am full of angst and am saddened by watching Phil going through a hard time.  All our moments are  not full of inspiration....there are some moments of devastation and depression.

We have had some down time and have been healing.  With each treatment of chemo, he becomes more fatigued and this time it has made him nauseous and he sleeps and sleeps.  When he sleeps is sometimes the hardest, because I have time to think.

I wasn't sure how to proceed for this birthday, we typically try to have an adventure around Phil's birthday.  This time it just doesn't look like the right time.   Perhaps if Phil is feeling better next week we will take a small adventure in the area, if not we will gather around our table at home to another Game of Life and share dinner with Noelle.  We have been having some great times around the table.

I know we both will pick ourselves up and will forge ahead with tenacity.  I haven't been able to take photos this week, between Phil not feeling well and I strained my back in the garden.  I was slinging pots and hurt myself, enough to keep me down for a week.  Instead I worked on my Etsy, enjoyed my psychic gig and cleaned through literally hundreds of photos.  We have been taking small walks to keep us going, I'm looking forward to us both feeling better and getting out to engage with my camera and nature.

I have been having a hard time with coming up with words for the blog.  Like a creative block or maybe just not the energy to apply myself.  I've decided to write for Phil, as I know that will come with emotion and love - here goes.

In Hawaii - at Nicole's wedding, that was a glorious week!

Dear Phil

As I watch you sleep, I'm filled with love, admiration and hope for you.  

I know you know how much I appreciate and love you.  It kills me to see you in pain, the fear is unbearable and yet it amazes me how we find joy, contentment and love through all of this.

I would not change a moment of our love story, although I could live without experiencing brain cancer.  It is the brain cancer that swooped in and woke us up to what life was about.

LOVE, the people in your life and just the journey of life itself.

I want you to know I would be in no other place right now.

Sharing your journey, sharing our journey is where I am suppose to be.

Halloween when you got back from boot camp.  Photo by John Rankine.

I think of all the adventures and stories we have had in our 20 years!

Amazing.

A shop together in Avoca..... there were a few of them.

Chubby when we got married - best and shortest wedding ever. 

Bi leveled wine slushies....

Dancing the night away.  I'm still shocked at how short I appear to be.

Now that is a face about to set out on an adventure.

Holiday in the van, best soup ever.

Need I say more?

I know you don't feel good today,  I hope that sharing some joyous memories will carry you until you feel a little better.

Camping with Judy - the best!

Half moon Bay.

Jazz Fest!!!!!  

My hats!!!

Now it is time that we make more memories and joy,  it is with anticipation, love and courage that I stand by you and move forward to make these memories.

Happy Birthday Philly

To amazing days ahead, to a birthday celebration filled with happiness and I love you

Linda

I took a break from jotting my thoughts down and while I was on break I learned that I won an Instagram contest I entered for a free night in our favorite hotel in Santa Barbara....
Looks like there will be a birthday trip sometime in the near future.

We are Santa Barbara bound.  Thank you to the Inn at East Beach.
We adore the inn, the staff and the area.  Phil and I met and lived in Santa Barbara and have visited many times over the years.  We love the idea of having something to look forward to.

The last time we stayed there, we woke up to a Rainbow.  

Andddddd if we go to Santa Barbara, you know we are going to Ruddell's Smokehouse!

Everything has changed, life can be difficult but isn't life grand Phil?

I made a couple of videos of Phil, not his favorite thing to do.  He cooperated because it shows what a couple of days and a present can do.  Even through chemo he's managing to smile.

The first video is soon after chemo, I was harassing him trying to document everything.  I feel compelled to tell the story, it is cathartic and healing.

This is what a t-shirt, a little love and a couple of days can do.  Look at that smile.  He doesn't like this video because he stutters in it.  His face has been numb on one side, this is from damage from first treatments and surgery, it seems to worsen with chemo, this causes some fumbling.   He agreed to the video, because it is part of the journey.  I think it will be nice for some people who haven't seen him in a while.  Patti - thank you for all.  He loves the t-shirt.

There has been all kinds of gifts and cards coming in.  Thank you very much, it means the world to me, I love to see him smiling.  It is the love that keeps us going.