Where do I start?? Where are the words that I need? I guess I will start by saying that cancer is an extreme ride on a very scary roller coaster of emotions, feelings and events. You can't plan....that is for sure. You live one day, one moment at a time - the key is finding the joy and the love in the mist of the chaos that surrounds you.
For those of you that know Phil and I, you will understand that we are of the independent nature...Leaning on others is an acquired skill. It is not easy to feel that you must depend on others to keep moving forward. I feel that one of the biggest lessons that I am learning is that I can't do this all by myself. I have to accept a hand, I have to take a minute and conscious breathing is essential. Phil and I both have trouble accepting our "new normal". There are days the "new normal" just pisses us off. Gratitude is the cure for being pissed, by the way.
We have played phone tag, planned vacations and unplanned vacations in the last two weeks. Both Phil and I have fear of what is coming.....you can't find two more happy optimistic people on a good day, but it has been hard the last couple of weeks. The act of planning and being able to look forward is very hard in our lives right now, it is all about being flexible and working around the challenges that are set in front of us.
We have played phone tag, planned vacations and unplanned vacations in the last two weeks. Both Phil and I have fear of what is coming.....you can't find two more happy optimistic people on a good day, but it has been hard the last couple of weeks. The act of planning and being able to look forward is very hard in our lives right now, it is all about being flexible and working around the challenges that are set in front of us.
We finally got the MRI done and the pictures of Phil's brain are now San Francisco. Setting the appointment to see the doctor was a challenge and the appointment time ended up interfering with the vacation that we had planned for ourselves We could already tell that we would need to work on the "dream trip" across country by train a little longer due to cost and time. It is a big dream which is going to take some more saving and planning. We started planning a shorter trip to visit our friend Chris in Oregon and possibly a small train trip in Washington state. No time for that either, Chris and Scott we hope to see you soon. Our fear of upcoming treatments and the unknown slipped in.....and that nagging feeling that we need to finish up everything we want to do while Phil is feeling good. (Phil is feeling good right now!) The driving force behind us was trying to get the trip in before any treatment might start. Our experience with the treatments for cancer is that they are invasive and hard on the body.
So on Feb 1, 2019 we will take a trip to UCSF Medical center for the next part of our journey. We have an appointment and at that time we will learn what they see going on in Phil's head. It is always frightening.....after the initial diagnosis and finding out you have brain cancer, you hold your breath each time the doctor tells you the results to the latest MRI. We will go in with hope and courage.
It is hard not to feel alone on the journey, it is hard not to feel different and it is hard to keep your cool sometimes. I have been experiencing some pretty horrible panic attacks that have been unpleasant at best. It is the fear that is the enemy and needs to be put into perspective. During all this stress, I desperately wanted Phil to have his dream. I tried as hard as I could to make it a go and will still do so. It is about time, giving everything, a moment to breathe, and having faith that we will keep moving forward. To all of you that have bought a print or card or simply chose to give us something, know that we will have our "dream trip", it will happen and it is giving us a goal to work toward.
Thank you, know that it your love that sustains us.
Our attitude adjustment came with me having to lay down through another panic attack, a friend reminding me to take care of me too and some tears that released the stress. We looked at each other and reminded ourselves what is important......living each day to the fullest, and allowing joy and love to seep into our beings. A big hug, taking a couple of days driving up the coast, breathing the fresh air and just enjoying each others company. A mini vaca coming up. The big trip is being planned for the near future, we just need to find out what is coming and then we will forge forward with enthusiasm and joy.
There are some wonderful people in our lives, for their love, support and best wishes, we say thank you, and thank you again. If you could see what the love does for us, you would know that the best medicine is love and knowing that there are others that walk with you. That is what keep us standing on our feet.
When the emotions get going you reflect on what has happened, the people who have left and those who have come into your life. For those of you that have stayed with us, thank you from the bottoms of our heart. For those of you that left, we know that it happened a reason and we wish you the best. For those of you who have come in, we are grateful and are pretty sure you are angels. There has been a couple of things that have tortured me during this last couple of years.
I had to realize that people who are really your friends, are people that are suppose to be in your life, stay there and continue to love you even through difficult times. I'm sure that I made mistakes as I was going along, but I know that I was doing the best that I could to cope with the challenges that had been handed us. To those who I have hurt along the way, I am sorry. This aspect of having cancer or any kind of long term illness is just a given, working out all the feelings that go along with it is difficult. I have always struggled with social issues, have had a feeling of being different and continue to learn how to live with my fellow humans. Just so you know, I have absolutely no problem at all getting along with animals.
I pour my guts out here, to get the anxiety off of me, writing it down helps me release it. I also have hopes it will help the people in our lives understand what is going on with us. Last but not least if it helps one other person who is going through living with brain cancer not to feel alone, that would just make my day.
So we are left - gathering the light, love and courage to move forward.
Thank you for your love and support.
Please join us in spreading positive energy, love and hope.
One day at a time.
Living life to its fullest.
On our walk.
On our journey.
I will continue to save all the money from my Etsy sales for our dream train trip. Stay tuned for new images and thank you for your purchases.
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