Tears and Fears or Sometimes you cry

Thanks to all who have served our country.

I can't find the words, I'm looking for them.......but I'm kind of numb and out there.  It was a hard one today.  We sat in the Cancer Center waiting room today for Phil's Oncologist appointment.  It was full, more people than I have ever seen in there.  Phil and I couldn't sit next to each other, so we sat facing each other.  We both started tuning into the conversations around us, they were all talking about their cancers spreading, Phil and I looked at each other and we both started to cry.  We signaled each other to pull it together, smiling and understanding what the other was thinking.

The doctors appt was uneventful except for him telling us about a new treatment, in case this effort doesn't work. I immediately could feel the fear in Phil.  Phil is not accepting of anything except healing and getting on with his life.  We have another MRI in 2 weeks, the doctor says every 2 months now.   It is the reality of it all that slips in at the doctor appointments, it usually sends us out to lunch for a bit.

We met with Noelle for lunch today, our Monday date.  Both Phil and I cried talking to her today.  I cried because of the doctors appointment and Phil cried because he has a new friend in physical therapy that has cancer.  She has touched something in him, every time he talks about her he cries.  Noelle is a trouper and tells us its okay to cry.

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The next thing is the fear of the insurance.  Phil and I have been on Obama care and we are not only scared what will happen to us now.......due to the current election.  But our income had been so low with the hospitalization at the beginning of the year we may have to go on medicare.  I'm so scared that Phil won't get the care and meds he needs.  I'm terrified of that.  The Rover.com and all my other part time gigs are bringing in enough to support us at this point.  But I am mortified at what is going to happen to us at the beginning of the year.  We still owe 6000. in medical bills and building......Mortifying.....It is all overwhelming and mortifying

Sometimes you cry..........

But it isn't all sad -- My mom celebrated he 92nd birthday today, we made videos for her.  We called her and she sounded great, she was excited to be going out to dinner.  

Phil is back in the kitchen when he's feeling good.  There have been some of our best days, in fact our first really good days since January.  We are very grateful for that.  We are enjoying our dog sitting, it has been a blessing for us.  We have been sitting for a sweet little guy named Bailey.  He is a mature fellow and I have fallen in love with him.

The ocean provides us with endless entertainment, mediation, calming and healing energy.  It has been beautiful lately and I have been enjoying my camera.  The photography helps keep me busy, gives me joy and it helping me keep a bit of sanity.   I couldn't be more grateful to have Phil in my life and I am treasuring every moment of our lives.  Please keep him in your prayers and know that we have appreciated everything, absolutely everything you beautiful souls have done for us.  

Even though I'm shedding tears right now -- they are tears of love, of hope and of gratefulness.  Love to all of you.