How do I cope with this? I feel like I want to run away! I'm scared - worried - don't know what to do. As I sit here in the middle of the night, it all seems so overwhelming. There is the financial devastation, I'm not even sure where to begin. Phil is a small business owner, there are loans and financial obligations that are needing to be taken care of. I have been calling and talking to everyone, taxes - loans - creditors. The fear of not being able to have the adequate care for him because of our financial situation. There is no money coming in and lots of money going out.
It is all so overwhelming, we have been in the hospital 3 times in the last month. Trying to complete what is needing to be done, well has been impossible. The worry is overwhelming me. I'm trying to figure out how it all works - it is frightening.
The biggest fear is losing my husband, taking in what is happening to us and just wanting him to be okay. I love this gentle man with all my heart, I'm trying to stay positive and help him with his recovery. I'm learning how to be a caregiver, trying to take in love that is being given to us and painfully trying to accept all of this. It is all trying to hit at once.
I have so many questions.......so many fears.....I feel like I'm drowning......I can see his fear. His constant worry about me. His emotions are all over the place, as are mine. I'm looking for help in every direction and yet right now - I want a minute of peace -
One minute wanting to know everything about the disease, the next minute overwhelmed by the knowledge.
Fear, I just feel fear.
Love I feel so much love. I love this man with all my heart and it is so painful to see him suffer.
I want to be the best I can for him.
We try to find joy. I dance for him, I kiss, hug and tell him I love him.
I find love and hope in many places but mostly in his arms.
Sadness, confusion are racking my very soul.
Loneliness, heartbreaking loneliness.
Then I console myself, love him and just try to go minute to minute. I will begin to search for help for both of us....we are both going to need help to survive this. I'm dependent on family and friends. It is so hard to ask for everything....but I want to be here for him, I want to make his life happy, and I want to help him be as healthy and have the best life that we can.
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