I had made up my mind I was going to make just a pretty blog today. Over the last couple of weeks while Phil and I have been on our walks, I have been taking my camera and taking photos. There are moments of beauty, love and hope. But since the last seizure, Phil has been experiencing twitches in his left hand which is where the seizures start. This brings on a panic attack and we both experience moments of fear. Every morning since the last seizure we go through a bad period in the morning. We both breathe and wait to see if the dreaded seizure is upon us. With the radiation right now, I'm sure there are many changes that are happening within his brain. Adjusting to all of this is difficult to say the very least. I can't even imagine what it must be like for him.......We are battling the twitches in his left hand and the left side seems to get weaker with each seizure and hospital stay. All is very difficult for him emotionally and I'm sure the tumor on his brain are causing changes in the way he processes everything.
He is slow to get up and going in the morning. I can tell he wants to just get up and get going but he battles his own body. He had a pretty rough morning today and we gave him drugs to calm him. This moment I'm watching him sleep and a million racing thoughts are going through my mind. I don't want to be fearful all the time, I feel such compassion and love for him. It's hard not to fear these seizures.........that lead to fibrillation of his heart. They are violent and cause him so much pain. I want to be able to make it go away. But I can't, all I can do is help him get through this with love and as much positive energy as I can muster. Each day we get past the morning twitches, get up, get out and enjoy each other, nature and love. We tell each other 100's of times each day that we love each other, we remind ourselves what we have to be grateful for and how lucky we are to have so many people who are there to love us and help take care of us.
He is slow to get up and going in the morning. I can tell he wants to just get up and get going but he battles his own body. He had a pretty rough morning today and we gave him drugs to calm him. This moment I'm watching him sleep and a million racing thoughts are going through my mind. I don't want to be fearful all the time, I feel such compassion and love for him. It's hard not to fear these seizures.........that lead to fibrillation of his heart. They are violent and cause him so much pain. I want to be able to make it go away. But I can't, all I can do is help him get through this with love and as much positive energy as I can muster. Each day we get past the morning twitches, get up, get out and enjoy each other, nature and love. We tell each other 100's of times each day that we love each other, we remind ourselves what we have to be grateful for and how lucky we are to have so many people who are there to love us and help take care of us.
Right now walking is a joy to both of us. We look at the ocean, breathe and talk about everything. We try to enjoy some of our lunches out by the ocean, yesterday we took time by the harbor. Driving and looking at the ocean seems to relax him and take his mind off of everything. We both are trying so hard to enjoy each good moment with each other. There is so much love between us, we know we are lucky in so many ways.........Butterflies, bees, birds, plants, flowers, statues, rocks all are beautiful to us. Nature provides us with peace and time to meditate. We try not to look too much into the future, we relish and treasure our history and try so hard to enjoy our present.
Reflection about our relationships, how people react to our situation and discussions about spiritual questions arise. Yesterday he said that he had determined that it was trust that sealed love. That without trust in a relationship, whether it be with a wife, family or friends you didn't really let the person close to your heart. Phil is struggling with many of life struggles, we talk about them all. He has been telling me wonderful stories, as there have been many cards from people from his past, so he fills me in, on who they are and where they fit into his life. Trying to make peace with one's past is very important, pain, love and learning are all involved. It's amazing the process that this has put both of us on. Appreciation plays a big part of all of this, but love has to be the most important component. Each day has to be tackled as we come upon it.
Lunch will be the next thing on the agenda and then to the hospital for another radiation treatment. The Cancer Center in the hospital has been a great benefit for both of us. There is love, support and hope in there. They provide us with counseling, smiles and new friendships. I never thought of what it must be like for a cancer patient......I'm learning.....there is much to learn about the human spirit. Much to learn. Phil wears his new t-shirts in to his treatments each day, they all smile, laugh and give him lots of positive attention. My sister provided a wonderful gift with these shirts. It is the small things that people do that provide much pleasure.
I want to once again express my thanks and love to everyone. It gives me so much hope having this love. So thank you very much from both of us.
No comments:
Post a Comment