Update on Phil's journey with Brain Cancer - The motto - Keep moving forward!

An update on Phil - He has just finished his first round of the clinical study drug and chemotherapy.  After feeling good for a couple of years since the initial treatments, this proved to be an assault on his system.  He has been sick, tired and depressed.  We have been busy dog sitting, which has proven to be a good thing in that it has kept us busy and loved.

He is on a break from treatment right now and each day he has been coming out of the fog.  The chemo has an effect that we call brain fog, some slight confusion, memory problems and general malaise.

Not only does chemo bring on physical illness, it can bring on emotional feelings as well.  We have been going through a period of working on mental health too.  Fear, sadness and not feeling well seem to bring up what we have been through in our lives, where we are and the journey in front of us.

An important part of our journey has been talking to people about what we are going through.  Whether it has been a psychologist, a social worker, an ER nurse trained in trauma, other people with cancer or friends, we continue to learn on our journey.

When a person is low in spirit you remember events that have occurred during the trip and you miss what once was.  Only to realize all that exists is now and that is where we have to live, in the moment.  In talking to experts, others with cancer and friends, you realize those who have left, left for a reason.  My inclination was to try to make it better and understand why they left and in reality that made it worse.  I now realize those people who disappeared from our lives, were meant to leave.  We are reminded about this with the cancer returning and we notice a difference in how people treat us.  We understand how you feel, we are uncomfortable for you and we have been in your shoes too.   So to those who left, for those who turn their back, who shut us out, excluded us or just act like they don't see us, we accept that it is going on.  Letting go has been the hardest lesson but a necessary one.  We both continue to work on it and hope that you understand that when someone has terminal cancer the best gift you can give them is your love, understanding and time.  Phil is still who he has always been, as am I.  It is hurtful when people exclude you and don't explain why.  Whether it is in person, social media or while walking on the street, your avoidance only reminds us what we are going through and makes it a tad bit more painful.  Don't judge until you walk in our shoes.  To anyone we might have hurt, we were just trying to get through what was dealt us, we apologize for any hard feelings.  To those who pass judgement, we are doing the best we can and going through the journey to the best of our ability.

There have been a handful that have been critical of the way I have handled social media, my blog and my care giving skills.  What I have learned is that healing comes in all shapes, sizes and techniques.  There is not right or wrong way, each person has the right to heal in the way that works for them.  Just because your journey was not like ours doesn't make it wrong, just different.  My blog has been an outlet for me, a way to tell what is going on with us and I have a huge hope that one person might find comfort in it.

Phil has been dealing with pain, exclusion and brain damage.  Along with that comes flashbacks from childhood abuse and being a firefighter.  Our brains store information and with damage and trauma to it, old feelings and events come back.  

The lessons we have been learning have been invaluable and although the pain is palatable, it is what it is, as Phil says.  Moving forward we will take those lessons with us.

For each friend or family that left, a new friend stepped in or a family member has stepped up in ways you could never believe.  What we have learned from these people is what I hope to carry with me for the rest of my life.  Compassion, empathy and love can heal your heart, spirit and even physical ailments.

The moment you take to listen, the hug or the kind word can make a very hard day a little easier to get through.  There are people who drive us to San Francisco, sit with us while we wait and hug us when we are down.  This is not a journey for those with a weak heart, many days it feels like we won't get through....then there is a word of encouragement, someone who tries to help us make sense of things or just being there, so we don't feel alone.  Sometimes it is a simple act of a stranger that makes us weep and realize how lucky we really are.

If you ask Phil and I, we would tell you we are lucky indeed, it is gratitude that gets us through.  Appreciation, love and a realization that each of our moments is a treasured moment.  We don't know what our journey brings, but you better believe we are going to live each moment to its fullest.

Our intention is simple, to live life, feel love and enjoy each and every moment to the like it hasn't been lived before.
There will be another MRI at the beginning of May and that will be the deciding factor in what direction we head next.  In the meantime we will try to plan the next trip, enjoy our dog sitting jobs and live life in the happiest, most joyful way possible.

After writing, rereading and digesting, what I know is this.

I will be kind to others.
I will be there for another in need.
Love makes the world go around.
My heart is grateful.

Our spiritual sides continue to expand and the universe gives us gifts and hope everyday.

I will not lie, this continues to be the hardest journey of our life
and at the same time
the absolute most beautiful time of our life.

To love hope and courage.
Philly you are my hero.

Noelle, Data Girl, Honey, Patty and Patti
Your help in recent days have made life more bearable.
Thank you!

Mom, your cards and love have filled our hearts with love and our faces with smiles.

Thank you for following our journey.  Many thanks to those of you that have been supporting my efforts on Etsy.  As soon as Phil is feeling better, we will have another adventure.

This morning while we were taking a drive by the ocean, I saw a young man drop to his knee and propose to a woman.  I stopped the car and asked if I could take their photo.
It sometimes is a moment in time that reminds you what is important.
LOVE

To the love story you are beginning....
In your eyes we saw love and hope