Butterflies in your soul - Emergence from fear

The last couple of days I have been wanting to take photos of the Monarchs while they are here on their migration.  I have been watching my friend Connie's (capturedbyconnie.org) photos of butterflies and I was feeling the stir to get out there to capture the beauty myself.  Connie, I know you know how I feel.  Connie's photography is beautiful and she is always willing to help teach, whether it is about photography or about the wilderness around us.  Going to the Monarch Sanctuary meant facing a demon, a reality, a look at the past that I try to avoid.  We drive by it almost daily, but in passing, we have never spent time there since Phil had his seizure in the Butterfly Grove Inn. We were staying there while our apartment was being readied for move in.   For the few days that we were there before Phil had his seizure, I was taking photos of butterflies as much as possible.  The photo above was taken then, and the photos below were from that time period too.  We had stayed at the Inn on a previous stay and were back for a second visit, we love the hotel and what a haven it is during the butterfly migration.  Phil was healing from a burn that he had sustained on Jan 1, which in hind site,  I am attributing to his cancer.  At the time we had no idea what was going on, we thought he was suffering from overwork and stress.  He had been running his shop by himself for some time and it had been wearing on him.  I now realize what was going on, it takes my breath away.  

There were signs right before the seizure, he was losing things, weight loss and then he burned himself.

  All unusual for Phil, but we just chalked it up to stress. 

Now the butterfly represents so many things for me - hope, inspiration, love, freedom and emergence.

Phil and I go through periods of time especially when it gets close to an MRI, that we discuss what we are going through and I feel we are in a time of acceptance of what life has dealt us.  It isn't a quiet acceptance, it is one with determination to live life for all it is worth.  Moments are too precious to lose or waste.  At this current moment we have gratitude to four people who have come into or reentered our life, that have been lifelines to us.  Candice, Michele, Chris and Patricia, I absolutely do not know what we would have done without your love.  You have enriched our lives, given us love and continue to be there for us.  Thank you!  There are no words for the four of you - love, inspiration, hope and freedom, all the words that represent the butterfly to me.  C,M,C and P what you provide for Phil and I are the bit of peace of mind that is very hard to grab right now.  Your kindnesses will be passed forward.  We are very conscious of being kind to others, you have taught us what love and compassion looks like.  Always encouraging us to do our best, but always there with a helping hand.  We continue to soar through your love.  I have so many thank you's they start rushing to me and I want to make sure everyone knows how grateful and appreciative we are.  Living life is what we are doing, our hearts are full of love and and are very appreciative to our friends and family.  The words of support, wisdom, love and prayers are invaluable. 

Yesterday we made our first attempt at taking photos in the Butterfly Sanctuary.  The wind was blowing quite hard. The butterflies are among large Eucalyptus trees, and it seemed to be raining tree parts.  We took just a couple of photos and decided to come back when the wind wasn't blowing so intensely.   Today we went back, we walked all around the property of the Inn, it looks beautiful.  The feelings of what had happened in that room were with me for a minute, but we soon moved on to the beauty surrounding us.  What happened in that room could have happened anywhere, I am happy that it was around home.  So we made peace with the area, realized how far and what a journey we have been on.

Taking a photo of a moving butterfly - why that is quite an obstacle and challenge.  But there was a big one that sat still for me.  (see below)

Flipping it into a positive.

Life continues to throw us obstacles and we are going to continue to spread our wings.  We are going to fly over what we can, tackle what needs to be tackled and continue to soar and blossom.   My mother fell, broke her hip but is home with my dad and continues to heal.  She has had her spirit and sense of humor through the whole ordeal.  There are some alcohol issues that a family member is dealing with, Alanon is going to be a part of our Monday adventure schedule, we have some learning to do.  It seems it wants to rip the family apart, but that is not where strength is, we will find a way to pull together.  Noelle has been suffering with skin allergies, there is a skin test for her on Monday.  That sounds like normal everyday obstacles, doesn't it?  So it goes with life.  Each day learning how to cope, love and live.  But now everything seems to matter a little more, no time to waste, only time to love.  I have pulled out of the middle with Phil's family, the middle is a hard place to be.  I stepped in when Phil was too sick to communicate himself,  but he tells me when he is ready to take the next step.....the medical staff and counselors told me he would and he does.  I have a chipped tooth and I am trying not to face it because of my huge fear of the dentist.  We continue to be very open with our communications with everything.  I'm not saying life isn't hard, it is hard for all of us isn't it?  I am saying that we have life problems just like everyone else........

Just like me trying to capture a butterfly in flight.

Can you see it???  Ha I was reaching wildly for it.  
Looking and throwing my camera everywhere.

Almost in the shot, I was determined!  Poor Phil watched my
 antics I'm sure wondering what would I do next?

Do you see it do you see it?  Ha!  There were many
 more photos, I bet you get the picture.

I guess the point is, I didn't want to give up until I got my photo of the butterfly.  My instinct is not to give up.  Sometimes our spirits are low, but we have to fight to keep our spirits high.  Our journey, our shared journey is just that........Our life, one moment at a time.

This was as good as it got today.  A just okay picture of a butterfly.  I'm determined I can get a better photograph.  I got one and the odds were against it.  We both have vowed to live life this way.  Problems will be met one at a time

There seems to be a miscommunication with the MRI, but I know we meet with the Dr. on 25th.  I'm speaking with his office and I'm sure I will know more next week about when it will be.  Even though with each MRI, comes stress fear and anxiety, knowing what is going on is better than not knowing.....

I love this Inn and I thought the pool area looked adorable.

Butterflies will always hold a special place in my heart.