In facing brain cancer, this nemesis that has taken over our lives, we try to find beauty, love and happiness. It is the only way that we know to handle what is going on in our lives, the doctors, the tests and the treatments - the absolute only way to handle this insanity is with beauty and love. It is truly living minute to minute, there is no looking forward, it is senseless at this time. Phil is suffering in so many ways, and I in others. The cycle of moods, of hope, of despair all continue on with the ups and the downs, but everyday we try to find beauty and there is always love.
Our world is simplistic and intricate all at the same time, natural and scientific and logical and illogical, life is just tumbling on. Grasping at each minute, trying to savor it and memorizing every moment...........I feel no less love than before we knew Phil had cancer, in fact I love him more, I want to hold on to him and never let him go........
Last year before we even had an idea that Phil was sick, I took a series of photographs, with Phil, a red art model and my crystal ball. The photos have always felt odd to me, and in hindsight shake my insides up. I haven't been able to shake the feeling that I needed to reexamine these photos, to experience them again.
On New Years Eve this past year as 2016 rolled in, we decided to have our own burning man ceremony. We had just spent 2 weeks camping in the van, been to many of our favorite spots. Including the Redwood Forest, Mendocino and just traveling highway 1 up the coast of California. Had the time of our lives, romance, love, fun and beauty.
New Years Eve was spent in a KOA in Mendocino, California, we love that campground. They have a karaoke on New Years Eve and we love listening to everyone sing. Phil and I sat around the campfire, cooked a lovely dinner and listened to the singing from our campsite. It was the most beautiful evening, I will never forget it. We danced, we hugged, we kissed and we celebrated the arrival of a new year, with dreams, aspirations and hope. We had decided to change the pace of our lives and slow down, live in the van on the weekends.......
We decided to roll up our wishes on pieces of paper and place them in the red art model and have a burning man ceremony to bring in the new year. I had a hard time coming up with mine but decided on health and happiness, I rolled up those wishes and burned them in our ceremony, putting those wishes out to the universe.
Health and happiness for us, those were my wishes. I don't know what Phil wished, he says he can't remember.
19 days later, Phil had his first seizure and was diagnosed with brain cancer. My wishes are still hanging in the universe...............Our world was changed in one minute.
Phil is dreaming of another trip to Mendocino......I'm leaving my wish out there in the universe. All I want is health and happiness for the both of us. I want Phil to be able to have his trip to Mendocino. I want him to heal and be happy again.
It is Phil's birthday this month, please send him well wishes and treats, he needs them so desperately right now.
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