Just feeling a little emotional and twisted up today. I fight to not feel like this, but sometimes it can all be a little overwhelming.
Phil had his bell ringing for his last radiation treatment last week. It was a day filled with so many mixed emotions. Joy to be done with the treatment, sadness realizing what you are going through, and love there is always love. There were tears, laughs, hugs and kisses for everyone in the Cancer Center. Radiation is finished, but now it seems we are left with the side effects. Before you leave the Cancer Center, they tell you if there are any changes please let us know. Since we have left, he has suffered a partial seizure, spent time in the Emergency Room and suffered from a head ache which lead to more time in the ER and this morning we have been teetering with the idea that we may have to go again. This morning he is going through the twitches in his arm which sometimes indicate he is going into seizure, then there is anxiety, so we have given him drugs to help with the anxiety. He seems to be resting, my anxiety is building, I decided to write it out.
The Emergency Room is so hard, it is filled with all kinds of people going through all kinds of suffering. With Phil, it is so hard just saying those first words, my husband Phil has brain cancer, just finished radiation and is having seizure symptoms or is suffering from pain in his head the doctor said to rush him here. Then the IV's, tests and just sitting and waiting. Not knowing, worrying, it is just hell.......hell......that is all I can say about it. A necessary evil in our life. A hard part of our life right now.
We go back to the Chemo Oncologist the first of June and we will start the Chemotherapy again at a higher dosage, we will get all the information about length of treatment at the doctors appointment. This is not something we are looking forward to but if if brings Phil one step closer to being well again then we will tackle it.
Phil is very weak right now and sleeps most of the time. When he is awake we try to enjoy our moments. He suffers from weakness on the left side of his body and struggles with his balance right now. We continue to take our walks and try to strengthen his weaknesses. Sometimes it is heartbreaking for both of us, to see him go from being such a strong vital man to this in such a sort amount of time. Most of the time we try to enjoy our walks, we look for small beauty, enjoy all the dogs and just enjoy nature. Fresh air seems to help both of us, breathing, just breathing.
I'm sure what we have been going through with the radiation, chemotherapy and just living with the brain cancer diagnosis is playing on us at this point. Mentally and physically is very hard. We try to do our best to enjoy each minute, but in these moments that you don't know are we heading to the hospital again? What is happening with his healing? What is going on? When he is sleeping and I have time to think.....I try to keep my mind on the positive, but sometimes all the fear creeps in. I can't imagine what he is going through. I'm watching and seeing and this is a very hard battle.
I try to start each day for both of us with love, kisses and hugs. I tell us both that is going to be a good day. Some days are just harder than others.......Right now I continue to wait for him to wake up to see how he is doing. We have a Dr. appt this afternoon with the Radiation Oncologist, I look forward to him checking out Phil. I want to stay out of the ER, I want to just be able to go into the regular appointment and have him look at him. Waiting.......just waiting.
Today it all seems overwhelming. I will start tomorrow with the same hope that I do everyday.
Thank you again for your help.
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