Yesterday was a typical day with the exception my daughter Noelle asked if she could spend some of her day with us. Phil has been with Noelle since she was 14 years old, even though she is now grown, he sees himself as a father figure to her. He loves her and she somehow calms him with her nonchalant personality. In the hospital she could get his heart rate to go down just by telling him to calm down and put her hand on his foot. Since Phil is in such a routine, any stress seems to cause him anxiety right now, I told Noelle as long as we just continued our routine. Phil is napping so often, we have to schedule it in between naps. He wasn't feeling great this day, so he was slow to rise and move around. So like a trouper she went with us while I ran laundry in and out of the laundry mat. She and Phil sat in the car and talked. We ate lunch picnic style by the harbor and then we proceeded to the hospital for our radiation treatment.
No one has been with us to the radiation treatment before. Phil was anxious for someone to see what he has to go through. I won't go do the field trip to see the process, because I don't want to have to think about what he has to go through on a daily basis. Too hard emotionally.
Before he started the radiation treatment there was much anxiety. They fit him for a mask and they have to bolt his head to a table to perform the treatment. It has to be very precise in where and how long the treatment is done. Phil suffers from claustrophobia so when they told him he was going to be bolted down, it cause a huge amount of stress and anxiety. After the first treatment, even though he didn't like it, the anxiety became less and the fight began. The radiation causes damage to the brain as well as the cancer so that becomes its own battle as well.
Phil has felt the whole time that people are not understanding the battle that he has been waging. Since the radiation, he is very weak, his fine motor skills are suffering and anxiety is always the enemy. He has felt people don't understand what he is going through and why he is having trouble with his communication skills right now. For the most part he wants to sleep, he gets frustrated texting and talking on the phone is out, too much anxiety and he has been advised to keep the phone away from his head. I reassure him as soon as he is feeling better he will be back to himself. I think most people understand somewhat, but I think Phil is worried about hurting peoples feelings because he is not communicating too much right now. I continue to be his spokesperson, some accept this and others do not. When he is feeling better he will be back to communicating for himself, I will be the person who is most happy about this. In the meantime I will be his representative and will continue to let everyone know how he is doing. We both are ready for this stage to be finished.
Noelle decided to take the field trip, watch the procedure and see what Phil was going through. I can't even begin to tell you what this meant to Phil. He said he began to cry when he heard her say that she couldn't do that as he got his head bolted down. She had to be behind a glass wall to see, they made her move before radiation began. When she came back out to sit with me, she told me that same thing that she didn't know how he went through that everyday, I told her how much it meant to him that she came to the treatment and I began to cry. I hurried my little crying tangent up not wanting him to see me upset, and not knowing that he was already crying on the table as he was getting the radiation. When Phil came out of treatment he told Noelle how much it meant for him to have someone see what he has actually been going through, be began to cry and became very emotional.
This battle, this painful battle - Noelle thank you for doing that. It was wonderful timing and a wonderful emotional boost for Phil. I know it seemed like sadness and it is, but it was him being able to share with someone what his battle is like...... We are both so appreciative for that gift.
One more week of radiation.......one more week.
Thank you Noelle for being there for us.
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